Daily Life Post Announcement

After his initial 'coming out' we had several months of a somewhat normal home life. Rick appeared to be abiding by our standards; obeying rules, keeping curfew as well as going to church with us. But I think we knew it was just surface obedience and not real change. We had no real hope that he he would renounce this lifestyle and return to the way things were before.

It wasn't long before things started to fall apart. He just couldn't maintain the facade. More than once we found him locked in his room with another boy. He was sneaking them in through his bedroom window. We knew he was bringing drugs and alcohol into our home and we also found inappropriate movies he brought into our home. His attitude also changed, he became more defiant and less willing to do what we asked.

Rationalizing

I told myself that there were lots of little boys that didn't want to play sports. I even remembered my little brother being upset when his Sunday shoes weren't as pretty as his sisters'. When Rick was distraught over not getting the pretty shoes or not being able to wear Aubrey's dress to church, I convinced myself it was normal.

In later years I would watch our old family videos and notice how effeminate Rick was, even as a small boy. Just the way he would walk and talk and move. There is no doubt in my mind that he was different from the very beginning. But did this mean he was 'born' gay?

He Was Different

Ricky was different, even as a young child. I remember noticing little things. He didn't enjoy the typical things my other boys would. He didn't want to play with balls, he wanted to play with dolls; he didn't want to play with trucks, he wanted to play house. John thought it was foolishness and we should tell him he couldn't have dolls or he couldn't play house. I really didn't want to make a big deal about these things. I didn't want him to feel like there was something wrong with him.

There were times he would become almost hysterical if I wouldn't let him wear one of Aubrey's dresses or her 'pretty shoes'. If we went to the store to pick out a toy or if he was making a list for birthdays or for Santa, all he wanted were Barbies, baby dolls and all the accessories. I usually relented and let him buy what he wanted however, this was always followed with dread because I knew John would be upset and we would have another discussion. He didn't agree with this at all. We had a lot of disagreements over these issues.

My Wake Up Call

Tragedies can be all consuming and Rick's decision was all I could think of. If you are not careful, a challenge or tragedy can dominate your thinking, your focus, your life. It's easy to get tunnel vision and see only what is right in front of you. While traveling through Hell, it's tough to see the beauty. About three weeks after Ricky told me he was gay, Todd came into my dark bedroom. I was lying on my bed sobbing, and he asked me if I would ever be happy again. Wake up call! I realized I had three other precious souls in my home whom I desperately loved. It was critical that I get past this. I resolved to not walk around in a daze and to stop my daily self pity of crying and laying around. I would try as much as I could to compartmentalize Rick's issues. I started to do a little better.

If I was ever by myself, it wasn't very long before the sadness and anger would start to overwhelm me. We tried to be the best parents we could be. We weren't perfect but we tried. I didn't understand. Inside myself, I was falling apart. I was driving on the freeway while these thoughts dominated my mind. They became so strong that it was a distraction forcing me to pull over to the side of the road. The anger welled up inside and the tears started to flow. I have never been prone to a physical expression of anger, but I had an overwhelming need to lash out and hit something! The anger seemed so great that only a some sort of a physical blow could release it. So there I was on the side of the freeway, crying and punching the car window. I know it probably looked crazy but I really needed to release some of this emotion or explode.

It was so difficult for me to go places and see friends and family continuing in their everyday lives. How could they do this when I had suffered such a devastating loss? I felt like the world had stopped spinning but only for me. Somehow, I had taken an exit in life and couldn't find the entry point to get back on. I knew that life continued on around me but I was no longer a part of it.

I know that there will be some, perhaps many, that will read this and think me a fool for such thoughts. However, faith in God and following His gospel are paramount in my life. For me, a child choosing a homosexual lifestyle was devastating. We believe the family, with father and mother, is the only organization that will extend into the eternities; by selecting homosexuality those blessings are forfeit. I love my son and I want him with me forever. Now, that may never happen. This is why my pain is so acute. Eternity may now be less than what it could and should be.

Mourning

For the next several weeks I was in a fog. I spent hours just laying on my bed and crying. I could not control the tears. The sadness was incapacitating. I could not find any way to move past my sorrow. I realized I was in mourning. I mourned for my precious child, who had changed his life forever. I mourned for what would never be. I mourned because Rick would not be married in the temple for eternity. I mourned for the children he would never have. I mourned because of my beliefs and how they took Rick so far away from us. 

We always tried to have our home provide a sacred place and a refuge for our children. I was enraged that Satan walked right through my door and took Ricky away from us. With great sadness, I did not feel my home was a hallowed refuge any longer. It became very difficult for me to pray in my home. The cloud of darkness was so consuming that I could no longer see clearly.

Choices & Panic

I thought of choices, Rick's choices and mine. What choices did I have? What should I do? How could I help? What would happen to my son? Questions. I could not shut my mind off and I had so many questions. Why? Why would he choose this? He had beautiful girls calling him all the time. He could have dated any girl in the school.

Then panic hit. How would he be treated at school? He would be ostracized. Would he become the victim of a hate crime and get beat up or killed? Every news story I had ever heard about the beating up or the killing of a gay person kept replaying in my brain. I became afraid for his life. I was terrified. What about AIDS? I needed to talk to him and change his mind.

What Now?

After he got up, I went into my bedroom and all the emotions just hit. My tears became giant uncontrollable hysterical sobs. I could hardly breathe. My heart hurt. Every fiber of my being was suffering from the most intense and agonizing physical pain. I never expected that heartbreak could cause so much physical pain. For the first time in my life, I understood what dying from a broken heart might feel like.

I felt as though I just lost my child. Lost from an eternal perspective. Lost because of my faith. My testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ is undeniable and is the very foundation of my life and the anchor upon which all my choices are predicated. I can't envision making a choice, including homosexuality, that would be contrary to what I believe is the way to return to God. Currently, my son's choice might preclude him from being a part of our eternal family. That realization is why his choice was so devastating to me, knowing that in the eternities he might not be with us. 

My whole life crashed down on me that day and I was devastated. I prayed to my father in heaven to  make all this go away. I just couldn't understand why he would say this. Did he understand the implications of his choice? The sadness was overwhelming. I had put my heart and soul into being a mom and I believed it would make a difference. Nothing I had done as a mom seemed to matter.

We had been having some struggles with one of our sons who was seventeen at the time had been out all night and this wasn't the first time. He wasn't keeping curfew and had stopped respecting the rules of our home. He was our fifth child and we weren't going to allow him to continue with his behavior. I approached him the next day and his was response was that he had something to tell me. This was something he had wanted to tell me for several years but he knew how badly it would hurt me so he had waited. Dread filled my soul and I wanted to stop this conversation but it was too late. I feared I knew exactly what he wanted to tell me but I prayed I was wrong. He snuggled up to me and grabbed my hand. Then my precious son told me was gay. He told me he knew he was different from the time he was a little boy. He was so young! I felt my heart break right then and there.

I needed to push rewind! Where was that button I could push for rewind? I just needed this to stop, right now! I wanted to start all over. He came home way past curfew but maybe I could ignore it, just this once.

The tears started to flow and he just wanted reassurance of my love. Of course I loved him! Nothing would ever change that. I begged him to take it back, but he couldn't. Knowing how much he loved me and had waiting so long to tell me, I believe if he felt he could unspeak those words he would have to stop my pain.

He was very concerned about me and wanted to know if I would be okay. After that, neither one of us spoke much, there didn't seem to be anything to say. He sat there snuggling with me, needing some physical affection to be reassured. He tried to console me. Basically we both wanted things to be different. I really wanted to go backwards and he desperately wanted unconditional love and understanding for something he was dealing with. I didn't know what the future would hold but I did know I loved my child.

My Six Gay Sons