Tragedies can be all consuming and Rick's decision was all I could think of. If you are not careful, a challenge or tragedy can dominate your thinking, your focus, your life. It's easy to get tunnel vision and see only what is right in front of you. While traveling through Hell, it's tough to see the beauty. About three weeks after Ricky told me he was gay, Todd came into my dark bedroom. I was lying on my bed sobbing, and he asked me if I would ever be happy again. Wake up call! I realized I had three other precious souls in my home whom I desperately loved. It was critical that I get past this. I resolved to not walk around in a daze and to stop my daily self pity of crying and laying around. I would try as much as I could to compartmentalize Rick's issues. I started to do a little better.
If I was ever by myself, it wasn't very long before the sadness and anger would start to overwhelm me. We tried to be the best parents we could be. We weren't perfect but we tried. I didn't understand. Inside myself, I was falling apart. I was driving on the freeway while these thoughts dominated my mind. They became so strong that it was a distraction forcing me to pull over to the side of the road. The anger welled up inside and the tears started to flow. I have never been prone to a physical expression of anger, but I had an overwhelming need to lash out and hit something! The anger seemed so great that only a some sort of a physical blow could release it. So there I was on the side of the freeway, crying and punching the car window. I know it probably looked crazy but I really needed to release some of this emotion or explode.
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