The Scary Question

When Rick turned sixteen, he started working at a fast food sandwich place. He came home one day and told me about a boy with whom he worked. His parents had kicked him out of his home because he told them he was gay. Rick then asked me what I would do if he came home one day and told me he was gay. My heart dropped, I wasn't ready for this! How would I handle it? I told him that it would break my heart; however, it would never affect my love for him. He would also always have a home as long as he kept the standards we tried to have in our home. He didn't say anything else, but it was just one more little thing that I hoped wasn't adding up. It made me sick to think that he was putting out feelers to see if he would still have a home to come home to. I know that must have been scary for him.

Ricky & Mike

It felt good to spend time with Rick and at this point it seemed that he and Mike would be together for a while, so I wanted to get to know him as well. As strange as it sounds, I was grateful that he was in a monogamous relationship. So many things I read suggested that many in this lifestyle could have hundreds of sexual partners. This was something that panicked me and I felt that this was one of the ways sexually transmitted diseases as well as AIDS could spread so quickly.

Ridicule

During this period, Rick seemed to want to advertise his life-style choice by wearing makeup and styling his hair in less than traditional fashion. At one point, I took Rick and Mike, his partner, to lunch to a local restaurant. We live in a very conservative area but I was shocked at the number of people who would point, laugh or whisper to their friends or co-workers. A waiter obviously went to the back of the restaurant and filled in his fellow workers because several at a time came out to take a peek at our table. I could understand why people stopped and looked. After all, Rick and Mike were going out of their way to call attention to themselves. However, I didn't understand why other people would point fingers, laugh and mock them. This intensified my hurt because it was one of my greatest fears was that Rick would become the victim of a hate crime and get beat up or killed.

Ricky Has a Partner

We learned that he had a partner, Mike, and he was now fully entrenched in this other world and seemed farther away from us than ever. For many months, we would only see Rick occasionally. He would show up to do laundry or to 'grocery shop' in our cupboards. I was happy just to see him from time to time and to know he still felt like he could come home if only for short periods. It was also good to know that he was still safe and alive because I worried about his “living” conditions. Shortly after moving in together, they experienced a terrifying incident. Someone kicked their apartment door in and sliced the tires on their car! These were the very things that I was afraid of.

Living in Squalor and Using Drugs

Besides living on the streets in squalor, it appeared to us that he was drinking and his erratic behavior caused us to believe he was using drugs. What drugs, I didn't know, but he wasn't himself. We received an anonymous letter from someone who said they were extremely worried about Rick. They knew he was using drugs, probably meth. They went on to explain some of the devastating effects and side effects of using this drug. This was a tender mercy in my life. Not being told my son was using meth, but because this person had gone out of their way to write to me, this reminded me that my Heavenly Father was aware of my sorrows and through others was trying to let me know of His love. I also felt Heavenly Father's love for Rick, despite of Rick's choices, his Father in Heaven loved him and was concerned about him as well.

Rock Bottom

After several months had passed, he just showed up one day to do his laundry. It felt so good just to see him and know he was alive. He told us he was living in a car on the streets of a nearby city in the middle of the winter. This was a total shock for me. He said that he was going for days without a shower or a meal. I would have considered this absolutely 'rock bottom' for him, he was living in a car! The therapist mentioned that if this was a faze it may take Rick hitting 'rock bottom' for him to change and we didn't think he could go much lower. This was my child that was obsessive about his appearance. He always took several showers or baths a day. He also needed to have nice things that were the most expensive as well as the best brands of clothing. I just didn't understand. If this didn't bring him home, what would? We realized that he was fully entrenched in this new lifestyle. This wasn't going to be a passing fad. He wasn't coming back soon. He might not come back at all.

Ricky Walks Out

Watching a child walk out the door with no assurances about the future was devastating! I wanted to grab him in my arms and never let go. I thought when it came down to it, he would stay. I didn't think he was ready to be on his own. I think the only way I was able to do this was remembering we had three younger sons that deserved to live in a home without these influences. We knew that if we had standards in our home then we also had to enforce them. I knew what we were doing was right but when Rick left, a part of me died that day.

We heard nothing as the days turned into weeks and the weeks dragged into months. I knew he was hurt and very angry at us. I prayed constantly for him to feel of our love for him and Heavenly Father's love for him. I hoped that he would find a way to stay in touch. We wished for any word from him that he was okay. We didn't even know if he stayed local or had left the state.

Leaving Home

John and I spent many hours discussing how to draw the line. Our greatest concern was our three younger boys still at home, we couldn't allow this influence in our home. Those were some of the most heart wrenching decisions and moments of our lives. How could we “kick” a child out into the big, scary world? That is what we felt like we were doing but it wasn't. The choice was his. Rick was welcome to stay IF he would abide the standards we set for our home. He chose not to follow those guidelines, it meant that he made the choice to leave. Those standards did not require him to change his lifestyle. We didn't want him to be homosexual, we still don't, but changing was not a requirement to live at home. Our standard was basic decency, respecting us and respecting everyone else in the house. In fact, we would have had the same discussion if he chose to be heterosexual. We didn't believe in pre-marital sex so if a son was sneaking a girl into our home we would have reacted the same. If another child brought in inappropriate movies, drugs or alcohol into our home, we would have reached the same decision.

A few weeks before he turned eighteen, we made an extremely difficult decision and told him that if he would not keep the standards we had set for our home, he would have to move out. This was a tough choice and not one we wanted to make. Every day we could keep him home and help him feel loved, was a day that kept him from fully entrenching himself in this lifestyle. However, a few days before his eighteenth birthday, he left home.