My Wake Up Call

Tragedies can be all consuming and Rick's decision was all I could think of. If you are not careful, a challenge or tragedy can dominate your thinking, your focus, your life. It's easy to get tunnel vision and see only what is right in front of you. While traveling through Hell, it's tough to see the beauty. About three weeks after Ricky told me he was gay, Todd came into my dark bedroom. I was lying on my bed sobbing, and he asked me if I would ever be happy again. Wake up call! I realized I had three other precious souls in my home whom I desperately loved. It was critical that I get past this. I resolved to not walk around in a daze and to stop my daily self pity of crying and laying around. I would try as much as I could to compartmentalize Rick's issues. I started to do a little better.

If I was ever by myself, it wasn't very long before the sadness and anger would start to overwhelm me. We tried to be the best parents we could be. We weren't perfect but we tried. I didn't understand. Inside myself, I was falling apart. I was driving on the freeway while these thoughts dominated my mind. They became so strong that it was a distraction forcing me to pull over to the side of the road. The anger welled up inside and the tears started to flow. I have never been prone to a physical expression of anger, but I had an overwhelming need to lash out and hit something! The anger seemed so great that only a some sort of a physical blow could release it. So there I was on the side of the freeway, crying and punching the car window. I know it probably looked crazy but I really needed to release some of this emotion or explode.

It was so difficult for me to go places and see friends and family continuing in their everyday lives. How could they do this when I had suffered such a devastating loss? I felt like the world had stopped spinning but only for me. Somehow, I had taken an exit in life and couldn't find the entry point to get back on. I knew that life continued on around me but I was no longer a part of it.

I know that there will be some, perhaps many, that will read this and think me a fool for such thoughts. However, faith in God and following His gospel are paramount in my life. For me, a child choosing a homosexual lifestyle was devastating. We believe the family, with father and mother, is the only organization that will extend into the eternities; by selecting homosexuality those blessings are forfeit. I love my son and I want him with me forever. Now, that may never happen. This is why my pain is so acute. Eternity may now be less than what it could and should be.

Mourning

For the next several weeks I was in a fog. I spent hours just laying on my bed and crying. I could not control the tears. The sadness was incapacitating. I could not find any way to move past my sorrow. I realized I was in mourning. I mourned for my precious child, who had changed his life forever. I mourned for what would never be. I mourned because Rick would not be married in the temple for eternity. I mourned for the children he would never have. I mourned because of my beliefs and how they took Rick so far away from us. 

We always tried to have our home provide a sacred place and a refuge for our children. I was enraged that Satan walked right through my door and took Ricky away from us. With great sadness, I did not feel my home was a hallowed refuge any longer. It became very difficult for me to pray in my home. The cloud of darkness was so consuming that I could no longer see clearly.